note to self.

"Life is good." I'm dumbfounded by the daily happiness I experience. Not until this point in life, have I been completely satisfied with every aspect of my life. Truly. Who knows why or how this sudden change, or rather blessing, happened upon my life... But, I hope it is here to stay.

Who knows- it could be the conquering of the deadly homesickness plague. In fact, I am scared to admit that Modesto is starting to feel like home. That's a given though, considering my memories, friends, adventures and stories from the last three years, have all happened right here. I guess it just the inner part of me who isn't quite ready to call Modesto my home. Maybe it's because my relationship with my lover in Malaysia is literally perfect. Fighting, jealousy, immaturity, and stubbornness are things of our pass. Today, we are in love. Completely happy knowing that our future awaits us with passionate dreams. Our relationship is currently based off of love letters, the sharing of our testimonies, and the anticipation for the 'weekly email'. Love is in the air. Oh, and I love that he always tells me, "as long as you are happy- I am too." Maybe that alone is what brought this happiness upon me. It could also be because of the change of outlook I have on ballet. Due to my soon to be decision in life, I have realized that some dreams of mine might come to a end. However, other dreams are about to unfold. Knowing that I might only have months left to dance- I am left feeling nothing but complete joy. I have realized that I have lived my dream of dancing. I am in reality- and my reality feels as though it is a dream. Funny how that works. I have also realized I must "dance like no one is watching", putting my soul into it- because the sensation of happiness I experience every day while dancing may soon be only a memory rather than a part of my daily routine. I have spent my entire life perfecting the art and the thought of giving it up is scary and saddening. However, I am content because I know that my sacrifice will be wroth it in the long run. My life may be good because of the future that awaits me. As I have never felt so unsure about anything in my life- I know that only good things will come about if I keep my head up high and believe in myself. Decisions are tuff- but they are a part of life. I am learning that I must do what I want to do. The product of happiness will only come if I do what is best for me. My family is closer than ever right now. It's unfortunate that I live here and they live there- I wish I was home to be a part of the memories. However, being away has made me realize just how much I take for granted when it comes to my family. They make me happy every day of my life- And knowing that our bond will last forever is reassuring. There again, I am overtaken by life's happy promises.

On a lighter note.... this happiness may have gotten the better of me through blessing me with the little things in life. Right now, I live in my "boyfriend" jeans, laugh often, visit Barnes and Noble daily, drink diet coke, connect with friends who are scattered around the world, paint my nails, crave pumpkin chocolate chip cookies and read like crazy. It's almost as though I am selfish in treating myself to such joy. I am happy. And as my lover in Malaysia reminds me often, that is all that matters. This post is awfully lengthy- but I had a lot on my mind; and so much to be thankful for. This was a well needed post. Simply a note to myself- documenting this, in hopes that I will be reminded of how lucky I am to be me. Being sincerely happy is one of my greatest accomplishments in life so far.