stuck in a rut

something's not right.

i don't feel quite like myself all of a sudden.

it's quite obnoxious.

wish i knew what i could do to fix it.

(whatever "it" is.)

i'm a bit stressed.

a little bit overwhelmed.

definitely too busy.

but that isn't anything abnormal.

so what is it?

i want to be me again.

come back please.

i'm just a bit off my rocker.

a little bit aggravated.

definitely confused.

and for me, this is certainly abnormal.

i'm hoping to snap out of it

very soon.

changed love

"we are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love.

it is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person."

-W. Somerest Maugham

my dear mother gave me this quote last week, and thank goodness she did. i have done an awful lot of thinking concerning the matter of change, love, and people this week. how vital it is that we recognize the change in ourselves as we begin to venture out in loving those around us. recognize the change in oneself, but also in the one you love. the last line of the quote is sheer brilliance; naturally, we must all be able to love a changed person simply because we, ourselves, are at constant change.

it's only fair.

loving a changed person can demand forgiveness or require you to step outside the box. loving a changed person can also require acceptance, patience, forgetting, hope, trust, sympathy, an understanding, and work.

really my friends, let your hearts be humbled. love grows through humility.

remember we are all "changing" together.

loving someone should come easy.

forget the things that keep you from loving someone sincerely.

life is too short. love is too strong. and change is a perfect thing.

spring break

how lovely it was to fly home for a quick visit this past week. quick, because life as a ballerina is too demanding. however, the few days i managed to sneak away from the studio, were hands down, some of the best in my life.

a perfect week indeed.

dance concerts. family. crew's baseball game. tickles and kisses with william. scrumptious meals (which i'm now somewhat regretting). a game of hand and foot. the homecoming of a missionary/total stud. a good chat with e-con. big secrets. snuggling. bubble teas. rugby game. lots of laughter. park city. soy milk. bulgarian

lessons. catching up with "old" pals. planning. lovely outings with papa stice. diet cokes. hair cut. and so much more.

best part of the week? you guessed it...

him.

we had too much fun together. i couldn't possibly thank him enough for making the most out of my week.

bless his heart. i owe him big time.

the week with him was well spent. every second now a memory. words being incapable of describing my feelings as of late.

{love}

a big thanks to family, friends and him for making it a lovely spring break.

it's certainly good to be back in sunny california dancing my little heart away-

but i sure miss all of you.

too cute.

adorable, right? simply in love with this room.

so much so, this will be a bedroom in my future home to be.

besides, we all know my obsession with birds.

this is perfect.

hiatus

dear blog...

i haven't forgotten you.

and don't worry, you haven't been neglected.

i seem to have just been a little caught up in life this past week.

that's all.

i'm anxious to scribble down my thoughts.

you and i have a lot of catching up to do.

secrets galore.

please forgive me.

i'll be filling your pages soon.

love always, your creator

little secret

so, i have a big secret to share...

him.

he's been "kept secret" from this blog for awhile now,

but i think it's finally time to spill the beans.

i love him.

craving

i want YOU.

desperately!

(well not you exactly, but one similar)

i've been told by someone special that i have to get a CANON.

so , i suppose i will.

considering it will be his one day too.

YOU will certainly be my next "big" purchase.

unless my parents are feeling loving enough come may 19th.

we'll see. regardless, YOU will be mine.

very soon.

get ready to click away.

memories are waiting to be captured.

wishing YOU a...

HaPpY BirThDay!

"Joseph, Hoe-Bag, Lover, and BFF..."

Happy, Happy Birhtday!

you are all grown up! big 20!

you are my better half.

i'd be lost without you.

i will love you forever, and ever.

thanks for sharing your "special day" with me.

you rock my world.

happily happy

today...

i am happy.

so happy, i could live in a cardboard box

with a rottweiler puppy as my gaurd dog.

i am happy.

so happy, i could eat cadbury eggs daily

and not count calories.

i am happy.

so happy, i could dance forever

and forget about my bruised toenails.

i am happy.

so happy, i could sit in my room for hours

simply day dreaming of my future.

i am happy.

so happy, to admit i am in love.

completely infatuated with him.

i am happy.

oh, so happy.

i hope you're happy today. have a lovely weekend.

eye see the world

this post may be a bit overwhelming due to it length and level of seriousness. for that i apologize. however, big heart is the one to blame. he gave me the topic, and my brain ran wild. read it, only if you wish. and prepare yourself- because your eyes are about to gain insight on a new piece of me.

child: i was young, therefore i saw the world through innocent eyes. no corruption had taken place. i spent my days make believing and creating the world before me. my biggest fear in life was forgetting to say "thank you". why? because that was the only expectation of my parents at the time. i was completely carefree and happy. not a single worry in the world. the only thing i remember about how i viewed the outside world as a child, was through the way of others. i was one to live by way of example. i was a follower. i mimicked the moves of everyone around me. i understood the importance of respect, manners and being polite. i wanted to grow up so quickly. silly huh? considering now i would give anything to go back to the days of unshaved legs, french braids, night games, not wearing an ounce of make up and a day full of play. i imagine my eyes were always wide open; always ready for adventure, fun times and the unknown.

high schooler: i saw the world through self centered eyes. as i believe many teens do. it was as if nothing else mattered but the crowd i hung out with, the time of the football game friday night, or being in with the latest gossip. at times i view this as a fault or regret. but, can you blame me? i mean, at that point in life, i was free of true responsibilities. let's face it- the hardest decision during those four years, was picking out an outfit to catch my crush's attention. i was so naive. my life was spent chasing time; school, dance, homework... repeat. i knew nothing else. now, i somedays wake up wishing i could have my scheduled days back. the easiness of knowing exactly what i was going to do each and every day before i even woke up. i was satisfied and certainly content. i also saw the world through sensitive eyes; when experiencing high school i was introduced to a world so foreign to me. i quickly discovered true friends and true colors... support and backstabbing. i suddenly felt vulnerable to failure of acceptance; a desire, rather demand, to always fit in. as i reflect back on the days, i was emotional-due to the pressure of living up to all expectations; good grades, the will to please my parents, succeeding in ballet, prepared for piano lessons and the list goes on. everything seemed to be a bigger deal than it really was. which, that fact alone, often reflects why my eyes seemed to only capture dramatic moments. when it comes to love? back then i thought i was in love. several times, actually. i thought i had found my prince charming and happy ending with each boyfriend of mine. what was i thinking? i was 16, for crying out loud. love was easy, fun and in a sense- shallow. my eyes were rapidly changing lenses; simply to try to keep up with the constant change and growing up I so naturally adapted to. those four years happened in the blink of an eye. in fact its weird to picture me as an innocent freshman, braces and all, to a graduating senior of 07'. never has my outlook on life changed so rapidly during a given amount of time. graduating early is proof to such a statement. needless to say, i was over high school long before most of my friends were. (and unfortunately still are). i am a changed person because of the period in life.

ballerina: my eyes are those of a dreamer. i envision nothing but aspirations, tutus, personal image, choreography, performing, pointe shoes, discipline and a pure technique. my eyes as a ballerina are very self critical. get real- i spend hours in front of a mirror analyzing my every move and my every inch. i tear myself down, daily. there is a demand to be perfect, therefore i am a perfectionist. my eyes have been opened to a world of competition. the ballet world is quite vicious, and because of that- i am a go getter. as a dancer, i have a discovered a true passion that is embedded deep within my heart. a passion that others are incapable of experiencing. my eyes are full of respect for those who have mastered the art, leaving a legend to follow. i am a worker. a hard one. i am simply dedicated."the only place where 'success' comes before 'work', is in the dictionary." because of my "profession" i view the world as if it hold endless opportunities; there is always room to grow, learn, achieve, believe, conquer, try, and dream. watch out, here i come.

daughter of God: my eyes hold value. i am a daughter. i recognize my worth in His eyes. because of my beliefs, i have a purpose in life. as of late, i have realized the true value of life itself. in fact, it is often overwhelming to fully grasp the concept of my religion. here i am caught up in all things temporal, and yet they don't matter in the end. my list of priorities is determined by my place in the here after. because of this, i am obedient. as a daughter of God, my heart acts as my eyes; my internal emotions and beliefs are what compose my viewpoint. accepting the sacrifice and victory offered by my innocent brother, i view his act of selflessness through eyes beaming with gratitude and humility. therefore, i am forever faithful.

lover: within the past year, i have explored the dimensions of love. true love, is something so new to me. a powerful emotion often time impossible to fully depict. as mentioned above, i recognize that my love in the past as been somewhat shallow, only because i now know the underlying powers behind a sincere love. it wasn't until i experienced complete agony from being separated by the one i loved to fully grasp love in its upmost value. as a lover, my eyes are tender. i am vulnerable to heartbreak . as a lover my eyes are passionate. my heart is big. as a lover my eyes are self giving. i acknowledge the importance in sacrifice. as a lover my eyes are adoring, caring and accepting. most importantly, through trial and error, i have learned a loyalty is a quality every lover must possess. in deed, i am a loyal lover. i now know that love is real. i am experiencing one of the happiest moments in life right now. i know now, that i truly AM in love with my prince charming.

now: its apparent that i own several sets of eyes. some moments i am looking through the lens of just one pair. the view is sometimes clearer that way. however, often times i look through all of them at once. this creates the world as i see it today. i am a follower. i am naive. i am a perfectionist. i am dedicated. i am a daughter. i am faithful. i am a loyal lover. i am many things because of the outward experiences i journey through each day. my view of my existence in the world is at constant change. as i grow up, i find more value in each aspect of my life. i'm happy to know that each day is a new day for a new set of eyes. the way you choose to view each and every day determines your outcome to success, love and joy. as of now i am living in the moment. why? because that is the only way to truly follow the desires of your heart.

{little} love letters

my 'little heart' is full of love, so it's only appropriate if i take the time to write my little love letters again. remember these? here's as of late...

dear necklaces,

i'm beginning to like you- so much so, i even sleep with you on. just recently, have i had a joy in wearing you. i must admit, i have hated you in the past. you seemed too complicated to match with my earrings or the neck of my shirt. now i'm careless. i put you on with everything. i even mix gold with silver.

dear gray stage,

you should feel honored; i danced upon you, just recently, giving you all that i am. in return you helped produce a beautiful show. you're now imprinted with the movements of important choreographers. i like to think that you hold the beginning steps to a well aspired future. in a way, you are the foundation to my success. p.s. thanks for being sticky.

dear "big heart",

you have changed my life. you make me happy; completely happy. you make my heart skip beats. you occupy my thoughts consistently. you tell me you love me. you send me flowers. you are more than patient with my "little heart". you are adored by those closest to me. you spend endless hours talking to me. you do it all. i am forever thankful for you. you are more than i could ever ask for. oh! and you are the best snuggler in the world.

dear pointe shoes,

why can't you last longer? i go through you like water. it is starting to become a problem; you are draining my bank account. please be magical and last longer than a week. however, i love you. i live in you right now. you are literally the one and only thing carrying me through my dreams. best feeling in the world? is when you are brand new. you smell like wood, you aren't soaked in sweat and you are hard as a rock.

dear willy billy,

you are the love of my life. talking to you the other night made me anxious for summer. you are just too cute. i can't wait to spend our days eating gelato, mcdonalds and turkey sandwiches drenched in a pound of mayo. (just how you like them) i can't wait to jump off the diving board, ride your tractor, play speed racer and visit the "green park" daily. let's not forget our adventures in sun valley. get ready for some "major tickles" and tons of kisses. i miss you dearly.

dear san francisco,

lately, you have been the author of many memories of mine. a big 'thank you' is well deserved. you have captured my heart. in fact, it is now a dream of mine to one day end up living in an adorable little apartment near the wharf. i long for time in your presence. your streets are historical and well traveled upon. each individual possess unique characteristics that seem to set you apart. i've yet to experience a dole moment. you have so much to offer. p.s. hands down, the war memorial opera house is my favorite place to visit. breathtakingly beautiful.

dear "goodbyes",

i hate you. saying goodbye to a loved one is horrific. you're a big let down. you often bring tears to my eyes. you take away a bit of happiness every time i say your words. you are quite scary; simply because saying goodbye leads to an ending- goodbyes are final. thank goodness for "hellos" and tomorrows, without them you would be the death of me. please go away, at least for awhile.

dear diet coke,

you are currently the remedy to all of my "problems". or at least that is what i like to think, simply so i can have an excuse to drink you everyday. i've tried giving you up countless times- its nearly impossible. you are just too delightful. opening your can is music to my ears. your bubbles are joyous. if you ask me, you are best straight from the fountain. lots of ice, please! plain and simple, i. love. you.

dear summer,

hurry up please. i want to run wild in my bare feet, soak up your summer sunshine, eat watermelon, spend every day with big heart, nanny my favorites, go on big adventures, take a hike or two, read the book of mormon, buy a camera (a nice one, that is), hip hop class- here i come, and devour my time to relax. again, please hurry. you couldn't possible arrive soon enough.

dear march 5th,

one thing: thank you for bringing me the perfect surprise. i will never forget this day. in a sense, it was the beginning to something new. i'll replay the chime of the doorbell and the moments to follow over and over again. you were an awesome day.

small quote

"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be

absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring." -M.M.

simply brilliant. i love this.